What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 01:36
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My ex moved on so fast. How can I overcome the pain?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Is it right to visit any shrine or tomb in Islam?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why did i forgive my father ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Are you afraid to get married and why?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do flat Earthers exist? Why can’t I see the Sun at night? Is it because Earth is not flat?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What is something you have to share?
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What was your first gay male experience?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was scared of men, in general
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was in good health!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
All the time i was locked up.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So whats the point in blame.
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i lived it daily.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We all went to grammer schools
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im dying but, im not bitter.